Too Much Fishing Can Be Hazardous To Your Health
by Majikthize
Summary: Sam’s suffering from the after effects of too much fishing, Vala’s being evil and Daniel’s finding it all too much. No spoilers to speak of but a Sam/Jack established relationship strongly hinted at.


Daniel glanced up from the reference book he was consulting and allowed a brief flicker of annoyance to cross his mind as Vala, once again toyed with a priceless Abydonian statue. He sighed and admonished himself for being annoyed. It wasn't like she could really go anywhere; he refused her offer for help so he only had himself to blame if she was bored. He looked up as Sam re-entered his office with the same pinched expression that she'd worn every time she returned. His thoughts turned to his friend; something was definitely up with her, Daniel decided. She'd bounced in this morning full of energy and a beaming smile, which made sense all things considered, but during the course of the morning her mood had rapidly changed, getting noticeably worse immediately after she returned from yet another bathroom break.

"You OK?" He asked, noticing for the first time that she was hovering, not sitting down and drumming her fingers in an untidy tattoo upon the desk as if trying to take her mind off something.

"Yeah, I'm good." She answered slightly breathlessly through gritted teeth.

Daniel frowned, "I only ask because, that's the fourth time you've been to the bathroom in an hour."

Sam closed her eyes for a beat and gave him a tight humourless smile. "I'm fine, really. Have you managed to translate anything yet?"

Daniel raised his eyebrows upon seeing Sam's very set features warning him to drop it and was about to do just that when Vala, who had suddenly appeared right next to him, spoke. "I've heard you have an earth drink called cranberry juice that can help with that." She directed the comments at Sam with a knowing look and, for a moment, Daniel entertained the idea that Vala was actually trying to be sympathetic and helpful.

Sam turned deliberately to Vala, who herself wore an expression of complete innocence. "Thank you Vala. I'll take that under advisement."

Huh? He looked between Sam and Vala and caught the meaningful glances. He pieced together Sam's behaviour all morning. The pacing, the pained expression, the frequent bathroom breaks…Oh! "Ah, Sam, they could probably give you something for that in the infirmary." Daniel added delicately, hoping his instincts were not off.

Sam smiled tightly at him and shot a glare towards Vala. "I'm fine. Really Daniel."

Daniel frowned, "If you've got a UTI you should…"

"Yeah, pretty sure it's not. I'll be OK in a little while."

Daniel frowned, puzzled. "Uh, you really should get checked out just in case you know…"

"Trust me, Daniel, it's not an infection. Let's just say I know what caused it and it will pass soon enough." Sam responded with a tight lipped smile that implored him, once again, to drop the subject.

Daniel opened his mouth to speak again, primarily to apologise and repeat his advice about seeing a doctor but it was Vala who, interrupted this time. "On my home world we called it… let me see if I can translate… the Virgin's Burn." She beamed at them both.

"Excuse me?" Daniel asked. OK so not being helpful and sympathetic; just setting up her mark. He should have known.

"Oh you made that up!" Sam exclaimed.

"Hmm, no. It's true! It's that sensation one sometimes gets after a particularly energetic bout of, shall we say, a certain pleasurable activity that involves a man and a woman... although, I should add, normally a man; there are ways around a lack of a pe…"

"Hey!" Sam stopped her.

Vala shrugged, offered an evil grin and changed tack, "Daniel don't tell me you've never seen that self satisfied look of a woman whose needs are, ah, completely fulfilled before?" She teased, "The one Samantha bounced in wearing this morning?" Daniel glanced at Sam. The way she was looking at Vala right now was definitely not a picture of self satisfaction. Vala turned back to Daniel ignoring Sam's glare, "Or maybe you _haven't_ seen it before? Hmm, perhaps that's something we can try to rectify later." She added with a coy smile and made a point of getting right in his personal space and looping her arm around his.

Daniel shrugged her off and dipped his head to disguise the blush that was creeping up his neck. "No! Vala and… thank you…for the information I did not need about…" he gestured towards Sam and sent an apologetic look.

"Oops, should I have not said any of that?" Vala asked all innocence again.

"No." Daniel responded, "You know there are some things we don't talk about in public and people's… intimate stuff is one of them."

"Well I'm still learning earth customs. Some of them are so strange. I was, after all, only pointing out the obvious and trying to advise Samantha on how best to address her current predicament." Vala replied sounding the epitome of the wounded party.

Sam groaned and balled her fists into her eyeballs in a move that was just so reminiscent of Jack that Daniel had to smile. "Sorry," He said, by way of apologising for Vala's behaviour, but he couldn't suppress the warm happy feeling; there was nothing as good as knowing two of your best friends were… happy, yeah, he'd settle for happy because he really didn't want to think too hard about the source of the happiness on this particular occasion. Or the source of Sam's discomfort. It was one thing to know intellectually that they were dancing the naked pretzel at every available opportunity but quite another to have it thrust in his face.

So to speak.

As for Vala; he could see where this was going. About a week ago he'd accidentally let slip to Vala that Sam had man in her life. Vala had been delighted and wanted details. Daniel instantly realised his mistake; Sam wasn't exactly running around shouting it from the rooftops (maybe for good reason, but mostly becuase that wasn't her style) and the last person she'd want to know would be an unreliable alien woman whose only joy in this information was how she could best exploit it. She'd already started a pool. So he tried to make light of it, tried to back-pedal but it was too late; it was out there and Vala knowing she wasn't supposed to know was even more of a thrill for her. The game was on. And now she took every possible opportunity to drop innuendo and hints into the conversation in the hope someone would let something slip. She'd even mentioned it in front of General Landry once. Daniel wanted the ground to open up then but the General had been surprisingly amused by it all. Daniel deftly deflected any awkward moments and Sam, for her part, was the model of discretion. Much to Vala's frustration, she had yet to get her confirmation.

Searching desperately for some way to steer the conversation around to safer waters Daniel threw out a seemingly safe comment towards Sam, "So, how your weekend then? Good?" Instantly he regretted it. That was perhaps not the best way to change the subject given how Sam had only flown back from Minnesota that morning and was currently… suffering from too much….umm… pretzel making.

Sam sent him a brief annoyed 'what the heck are you doing' look and replied all too cheerfully. "Yeah, it was, thanks. Yours?"

"Oh so so, you know, working most of it trying to get this at least partially translated so you had a head start today. Not much luck there though, as you can tell." He waffled and shot a look at Vala who, as usual gave out an air of obliviousness to her disruptive effect.

"So what did you get up to this weekend Samantha?" Vala put in and gave Daniel another of her sweet innocent-me smiles. Oh brother; she was in one of those moods; she wasn't going to let this one go.

"Sam went fishing." He answered for her. "Didn't you, Sam?" There, can't get less suggestive than fishing, he thought, as she nodded in agreement. It was, partly true anyway, although he doubted much actual fishing got done. He struggled to reign it in but a smirk made its way onto his lips anyway. He dipped his head back to the reference book in front of him to hide it.

"Really?" Vala responded with feigned surprise. "So tell me; did you catch anything? I mean, er, besides an itchy…"

"Vala…" Daniel warned.

Sam smiled uncomfortably. "Uh, no, actually, I'm not very good…" Sam started but was cut off.

"Not even a tiddler?" Vala emphasised her words by squishing her finger and thumb close together.

"Well…"

"A little wriggly thing you had to throw back because it was just not worth the trouble?" She grinned as Sam squirmed.

"Umm…"

"Maybe you're not using the right bait. I hear there's some very good bait you can get on your internet that can help attract bigger fish…"

"Vala, that's enough." Daniel cut in with his sternest voice.

She feigned a hurt expression "What? We're talking fishing." She turned to Sam. " Aren't we? Even if you didn't catch anything, I'm sure the fishing was great, wasn't it?"

Sam blew out an irritated breath and sent Daniel the kind of look that meant he knew payback was coming. She bit her lip contemplating things for a moment and sent Vala a similar look. The pause was long enough for even Vala to stop and take notice. Eventually she added, "Yes I went fishing, no I didn't catch any fish, yes, despite that it was great but…" She dipped, voice low and leaned in towards Vala, "…not as good as the sex if you really must know, and yes, worth every second of my current… uh… discomfort." She straightened up with a big evil grin on her face. "So, if you'll excuse me, I need the… uh…" She chucked her thumb and nodded towards the door and then turned and walked out the room.

Daniel's jaw hit the desk. Did she just…?

"That's my girl." Vala exclaimed with glee and looked insanely proud. "Right, I'm off to collect my winnings." And she bounced out the office.

"I've slipped into an alternate reality." Daniel mumbled, half hoping it was true.

~End~

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Author's Notes:

This was prompted by a recent discussion on GW about the "other" meaning of fishing. I don't think I've howled with laughter so much for a long time as I did that week. That you to the GWer Ship Family for continiously making me smile.

Thank you to Dee for the beta, and for convincing me the was good enough for public consumption. If you hate it, it's all her fault (j/k)

Thank you for reading it. I hope you enjoyed or were at least touched enough to click the review button. I always respond lovingly - most of the time - to feedback.


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